Eva: The Not So Hideous New Girl
by SanguineSky
Summary: After a new girl gets into a food fight with Zim at Skool, he takes it as an invitation to love and a new chance to study human affection. Will it backfire hideously or will love blossom? First IZ fic please R&R. Sorry for some Zim OCness!
1. The New Girl

This is just a fun little ficcy I did after watching **Tak:The Hideous New Girl.**

Since Tak wasn't human, all things learned about human love are now, at least partially, null and void to Zim. Please forgive me if sometimes he doesn't sound totally 'Zimmish' from time to time! It's my first IZ fic :)

* * *

Today Zim was frustrated. Not like it was really any different than any other day save for one crucial detail.

It was a week before Valentines Day again.

The pure disgusting horror had crept up on him in a paper heart and a meaty induced nightmare. Oh it had all started innocently enough. Miss Bitters was preaching doom and failure to her students as Dib gave him a glare that he was more than glad to return.

Then the evil happened all over again.

The phone rang and Miss Bitters screamed something about how worthlessness and heartbreak were key elements to molding the next generation of mindless idiots. Suffice to say, the principle wasn't amused and declared the week leading up to Valentine's Day to be celebrated immediately. But before she could slam down the phone and spill out a litany of curses, the principle cut her off.

"Again? You're sending another filthy child here again?" The air in the room grew cold as she hissed her absolute displeasure to the masses. Slamming the phone down hard enough to crack her desk, she informed the class a new student was to be joining them momentarily.

And so started the gossip wagon. Numerous "new students" had passed through the classroom on a near monthly basis. Sent to the underground classrooms or just sent away somewhere else in general, none had stayed for very long. Just what kind of freak were they sending in now?

"SILENCE!" Miss Bitters commanded.

A creak of the knob and the door swung open to reveal the newest addition. She looked innocently enough. Dark red hair casually thrown up in a pony tail and gray eyes on an average frame. She was dressed in a dark green tank top and cargo pants with her nails painted purple.

Zim however grew suspicious the second he saw her. History had taught the Irken that these new human females usually meant trouble. The experience with Tak had taught him that all to well. Granted Tak wasn't even human to begin with so really that encounter didn't matter, but then again he _was _Zim. And if Zim said it was an experience in human love then it was. Regardless of how flawed the logic was.

"Ummmm...hi?" The girl finally spoke obviously a bit embarrassed at the uncomfortable silence that had greeted her upon entering her new class.

"State your name child then take a seat." The bitter one commanded.

"Eva. My name is Eva." The class chimed their hellos and Eva obediently found a seat. Unfortunately, the only open seat was the one right next to some strange green kid.

(cue in psychotic stare down by angry green boy with the 50's hair style)

Zim wasted no time in establishing his personal space.

"YOU! Filthy human worm baby! Keep your smelly self away from Zim's space!"

However, due to the stares he just received from that little outburst he immediately switched over to damage control.

"I mean...welcome human girl Eva. You have nothing to fear from Zim...I am normal" The way he spoke was enough to put Eva off sugar for a good while. It was just that damn sickeningly sweet.

**(A/N: from here on out it's going to be Eva's perspective. Ok? You got that? Seriously? Alright!)**

_What the hell was that about?_

Sure coming to a new School was bad enough, but I _would_ get sent to the one that can't even spell it properly. I'll take that as an indication of it's academic standings. Now my new School...excuse me -Skool- has already proven itself to be beyond agonizing. My old teacher was...well she didn't look like a man and a snake had gotten the jiggly on with each other. I almost expected this Miss Bitters lady to bite my face off the minute she looked at me. Or maybe she'd spit some horrible blinding gunk at me like that dinosaur from that one movie...Jurassic something or other.

So not only am I scared shitless by the snake lady, but I ended up sitting next to a green kid that keeps giving me the death glare for absolutely no reason at all. Add onto the fact that he has literally no ears or even a nose and I'd chalk today up as one of the oddest ones I've had the honor of suffering through.

It's only 10am right now and already it's promising to be hell.

"Today class you will have a test over the doomed universe. I expect you all to fail miserably." And with that passing remark she handed out the papers.

Science just isn't my thing, so I'm already sure I have no chance-no scratch that-a snowballs chance in hell at passing this. So what does a girl like me do when failure is the flavor of the day? Why mock the teacher and all her doomy glory of course!

So I wrote down some bogus answers, all centering around doom. Surprisingly, I passed with an A . Apparently this teacher knows not what sarcasm is.

And so the lunch bell rings. Ushering in a new chance to experience the horrors this Skool has to offer.

"Ewewewewewew EWWWWWWWWWWW! Did you see that?! The food went into his eye!" I was hungry at some point during the doomy lecture of doom, but the thought of having my food crawl in me killed whatever appetite I might have had.

_'Looks like it's good old protein bar for the win today.' _Natural distrust of all things foody in Skools taught me to always bring a back up plan. An almond and granola bar would suffice for now.

So where to sit exactly? The only open spots was next to the glary green boy and the strangely large headed one in the trench coat. I made peace with myself and headed over to the green guy. Sure he shot the death glare at me, but pissing him off by sitting in his general location might prove entertaining.

And so I did. I sat close enough that he could be bothered by me, yet far away enough that he couldn't seriously make any accusations without being labeled as crazy. Although he probably already is I mused.

Ah sweet success! Not even a minute went by before he shrieked that I was in his space.

"Now just how am I in your space? Look how far away I am!" I replied innocently.

"You filthy stinking human. YOU DARE ARGUE WITH ZIM?!"

My god it looked like he was going to pop a freaking blood vessel...

"Why yes. I do dare argue with...Zim you said?" Apparently not alot was needed to send him into a screaming fit.

"YOU FILTHY DISGUSTING STINK BEAST! Have you the brain worms?! Remove yourself from Zim's sight immediately."

If I kept this up, I'm sure he'd start foaming at the mouth. Time to ante up the game a bit with some unrequited affection.

"You know, even with all the yelling you're doing, you're kinda cute."

SPLAT.

He _threw_ mashed potatoes at me.

"Very well green boy. Tis war now!" I bellowed before nailing him with a spoon full of peas. And so it was on. Spoon full after spoon full was launched at each other in quick procession. I caught ketchup up the nose while mayo slopped into his hair.

The rest of the cafeteria wasted no time in participating in our private foody war. Jello sailed high as macaroni and cheese cut through the air before landing heavily on the large headed boy's...well head. It wasn't long before lunch had become abstract art plastered on the walls.

And then the monitors came in. By that time both of us had exhausted our arsenal and held an uneasy truce. I was a bit afraid when the men dressed in black uniforms had barraged in, demanding whoever started the food fight to step forward. I simply told the green guy to hush and play it cool. I was almost confident that these "monitors" were just as stupid as everyone else at this Skool.

It feels totally freaking awesome to be right. After about 5 minutes of silence, they merely grabbed whoever was nearby and hauled them off. Did I feel bad that someone else took the blame?

Not. A. Chance.

I revel in discord. Life and everything else would be so boring if there wasn't some form of chaos about.

Now then for my final assault. I got up, walked to Zim and waited for him to turn around. When he finally did,_ (although it was merely to call me 'stink-pig') _,I bent down a bit, poked him where a nose should be and said: "Cuuuute." in the most giggly voice I could muster. All he could do was stare.

"Chalk up another victory for the Mighty Eva!" I cried victoriously while pumping my fists. Yep I was indeed weird like that. But then Zim got a most peculiar look on his face.

So lunch over with we all headed out for recess. Nice and sunny with a cool refreshing breeze. Just how I like it. Not much was honestly happening out here.

Jungle gym crowded with kids? Check.

Ball court crowded with kids? Check

Zim standing no more than 3 feet from me? Che-WAIT!

Weird.

"And you want what now?" I casually asked. Trying to look as nonchalant as possible.

"Zim accepts your feelings. Congratulations for choosing me as your love-pig." He stated.

"Wait...what?" Confusion. Pure confusion.

"It has been my understandings that when humans attack each other with foodies it is a display of affection and love interests." And with that he walked away.

_What the hell just happened?_


	2. Of Weeds and Wilted Flowers

"He's an alien huh?" I found that a bit hard to believe.

"I'm telling you he is!" The big headed boy, or more accurately, Dib had said.

This odd little conversation had been struck up after fat head had seen Zim talking to me. It was now thirty minutes into our little convo. Thirty minutes to long to be exact. Skool had let out about forty minutes or so ago and I had been walking home. Ambushed I tell you by conspiracy theories and a show called Mysterious Mysteries. I cared for neither at this point and kept praying skyward for a bolt of lightening to strike me dead if he didn't shut up.

"You've seen his green skin. You should know!"

"You do realize that there _are _certain types of skin disorders that turn people blue right? So it's not that hard to imagine one turning a person green." I was almost at my breaking point. Fat head-excuse me-Dib, looked at me like I had sprouted another head with that last comment.

"Skin condition?! Are you insane?"

"Possibly. But I'm almost positive you are." Abstract art and poetry are my forte. A certain amount of insanity is a must in that field.

"What about his lack of ears or a nose?!"

I merely shook my head at this. Having a mother in the medical field, you get used to seeing all kinds of malformations and deformities in people, seems like Zim wasn't any different than the poor saps who got stuck with 'mermaid syndrome' of the lower legs or even those with human horns jutting out of their skulls.

"I think I'm done talking to you." Mentally I began to prepare for the meltdown that I knew was coming.

"Why won't you people listen to me!" He was yelling now.

Oh I did try and walk away. I really didn't want to get into a smackfest with someone on my first day of Skool. I'd already been expelled once for that and wasn't to interested in moving to a new Skool all over again. I was almost three feet way from him and away to sanity.

Then it happened.

Fat head grabbed my shoulder trying to shake some sense into me. I should probably clarify that I'm not fond of being touched. Well...unless you give me chocolate or something yummy to distract me from you then maybe. Or possibly dangle something shiny in front of me. (But it's a secret so don't tell!) Unfortunately though, Dib had neither.

(Cue in smackfest 2.0)

I slapped him right across the cheek and proceeded to kick him in the stomach. He wheezed and fell to his knees. I kicked them out from under him and slammed my foot down on his groin. I held it it there and watched Dib squirm.

"You know what fat head? You have some serious issues. You are right up on level with those pervert men who stalk little girls. You are way to obsessive over another guy and I sincerely hope you get some help. I feel incredibly bad for Zim. He probably can't even fart in peace without you photographing and documenting it."

"You don't-_**cough**_-understand..." He pathetically groaned out.

"I'm sure I don't. But from here on out, Leave. Me. Alone."

I lifted my foot and turned to walk away. And then I saw Zim. He had apparently seen and heard the whole thing. I was still fuming over the entire situation and wasn't in the mood for any '**I AM ZIM!**'**s** at the moment.

"And just what are you gawking at?" I mentally measured off the distance between me and Zim. It looked about ten feet. If he hit four feet away from me I was going to jump him. Wisely though, he kept his distance.

"You stood up for Zim." He said quietly, almost confused

"And your point being what exactly?" I snapped at him.

"No one stands up for Zim."

Did people and the fat head really treat him in such a manner that me sticking up for him took Zim by that much surprise? I had to admit that calmed me down. I didn't think it was right to smack someone who already got enough of that from his own classmates.

"Do I look like everybody?" Granted, that was a stupid response, but I wasn't entirely sure how to word it.

"Yes yes, you do indeed look like everybody." Zim quickly said.

"So what exactly do you want...and what are you hiding behind your back?" Why I blurted that last part out, I don't really know. Call it inquisitiveness on my part. That or I wanted to change the subject.

And with that question Zim approached me and held out his hand.

"BEHOLD THE GREATNESS OF GIFTS THAT ZIM GIVES!" Zim yelled it loud enough that a few people looked out their windows. Probably to see what dying animal made that screech.

I flinched bad. Oh my poor poor abused ears.

And in his hand...weeds? Yep. Definitely weeds. They looked to be garden weeds with some wilty looking flowers thrown in.

"For you Eva love-pig." He held his hand out expectantly, waiting for me to take them.

"Oookay then Zim." I hesitantly reached out and grabbed them.

Zim just stared.

"Thank you?" Was all I could manage to say.

And with that, Zim took it as his cue to screech out again.

"VICTORY! VICTORY FOR ZIM!" And off he ran to do who knows what, while I just stood there holding a bunch of weeds and wilted flowers. Can we say hello migraine and good by sanity?

If this was just my first day, I shivered. Fearing all the indescribable horrors tomorrow would bring. Thank whatever gods there be, that tomorrow was a Saturday.

* * *

Later that night, somewhere deep in the bowels of Zim's underground base, the sound of mad typing could be heard. 

"Whatcha doin'?" Gir asked in between devouring a stack full of tacos.

"Heh. It seems Gir, that I was correct in accepting the human Eva as my love-pig. Already the research is coming together." Zim rubbed his hands together in evil anticipation.

"Oooooooh...I HAD NO IDEA!!." Gir screamed.

"It seems Gir, flowers soothe enraged human females. With this knowledge, I could weaken half of the humans defensive female soldiers in time for the Armada to attack. Do you understand the military capabilities?"

"YES!...no wait...no." Gir replied before diving head first back into the taco stack.

A monitor clicked on and an image of a house came onto the screen. The light dimly reflected off red eyes as Zim's antennae twitched in anticipation.

"Sleep well Eva-human, for the seeds to you destruction begin tomorrow."


	3. Gifts of Meat

Ahhhh Saturdays...does anything beat waking up on your own schedule, while Saturday morning cartoons play over numerous channels? Of course not! Heaven is indeed a Saturday, and I was about to sprout some wings and don a halo to enter the glorious kingdom of down stairs t.v. watching.

Still in my pajamas, I went downstairs to the kitchen and made myself some breakfast before plopping down on the squishy sofa and tuning into my favorite cartoon: Transponders.

The cartoon was about robotic humanoids from the distant planet of Cyberdyne, out to protect the universe from the evil likes of Megabyte and his devious cohorts the Decepticreeps. I frowned a bit when I saw it was yet another rerun. But who cares really! I was warm and snuggly, munching on a bowl of Count Fudgeula's chocolaty cereal, and Skool was still a day away.

I had the entire house to myself since my mother was busy at the medical center she works at. I blared the television volume to fifty and settled down to watch the show.

* * *

Zim was pleased with how today was sure to go. His next devious plot involving the Eva-human would begin soon, as he was busy at the local butchers, trying to select the perfect piece of meat to give to her.

"You! Purveyor of cow flesh, What do you recommend for Zim's love-pig?" He felt hopelessly lost. The sight of the meat caused this mornings breakfast of waffles to grind sickeningly around his squeedly spooch.

"Love pig?..." The fat butcher just stared at Zim.

Zim in reply was more than happy to stare right back as the gears in the humans head began to turn.

"Oh! You mean girlfriend! Well why didn't you say so to begin with?"

"Zim did. Your pathetic human brain just couldn't comprehend the awesomeness that is Zim's love-pig!" He said matter-of-factly.

"Hrmmm...well...I'm not so good with the ladies-"

"Yes yes obviously not Meat Beast, but select now the prime meat parts for Zim's female." He waved his hands around to emphasize his point. "ZIM'S LOVE-PIG MUST ADORE THIS MEATY FEAST!"

The confused butcher merely scratched his butt at this and pointed to a massive cut of beef. "That beef there is normally bought by desperate single guys out to impress women out of their leagues."

Zim looked back at him with his eyes narrowed at this new bit of information. "What are these leagues and why is Eva-human in one?"

"Aw come on now you don't know? I thought all kids knew about that stuff."

Zim bared is teeth, grabbed the shirt of the butcher and pulled him down to face level and hissed in a low voice "You will tell Zim now or face the wrath of ZIM!!."

"Alright alright fine then. Leagues are what you use to measure just how appealing you are to the opposite sex. Sometimes there's also references to first base, second, base and third base, that's also called a home run." The butcher wasn't so sure he should be telling a kid all this. The last thing he needed was some enraged parent beating him up over this.

The wheels were turning in Zim's head with this new information. "And it is the main goal, to get to this...third base home run thingy?"

"Ahhh...yeah kid, usually it is. Now do you want the meat or not?" Uncomfortable didn't even begin to describe the way the poor butcher felt. Ending the conversation was now top priority.

"Yes. This meat shall make a fine gift. Perhaps Eva-human will be so impressed with it, that Zim shall reach the coveted third base!" He paid the man and marched away, not even bothering to figure out what exactly the baseball terms actually meant. Apparently, it seems, Zim has never heard the definition of "double entendre."

Safe and secure in her jammies, Eva was innocently unaware of the sheer amount of humiliation that was marching her way now.

* * *

My favorite cartoon had just ended, as I turned the volume down and went to the kitchen to get some orange juice. It had been a nice, pleasant morning and I was seriously looking forward to the rest of the day. I looked at the clock and figured it was about time to get dressed and go out. Renting a movie sounded good right about now, especially since Transponders the Movie had just been released onto DVD. It was only a thirty minute walk downtown, and the fresh air might feel nice.

The previous days events and the odd incident with Zim were nearly forgotten as I went upstairs to change my clothes. I picked out something light and comfortable; tan khaki shorts and a light blue tank top. I gathered up my money and began to head out the door.

Ahhh flawless day! Birds singing in the air, big puffy white clouds drifting lazily across the beautiful blue sky. My mood was bright and cheery as I walked over the cracked concrete towards the mall. With the Video Out House being my main destination. My mood was so impeccably happy that I didn't even notice I was being followed as I finally reached the doors to the mall. I hadn't been to this place in what felt like forever, not alot had changed it seemed. Still the same old greasy food restaurants and same old high priced clothing stores.

I made my way towards the Video Out House, smiling happily as I saw the card board cut out displaying Megabyte. Hopefully they still had a few copies available to rent. As I lifted pushed open the door, I had a vague feeling of being watched, as a slight shiver went up my spine. I tried to pass it off as just excitement over the movie, it didn't work all that well.

I walked the different movie aisles until I finally came to what I was looking for. There was only two copies left and another person had just grabbed the other. I gave a sigh a relief. I had made it here just in time!

I checked it out and was beginning to make my way out of the shop, totally happy and oblivious to anything else, I ran right into someone.

It would have had to be Dib. He gave me the death glare as he picked himself up from the ground.

"Hey there fat head, how's the crotch doing today?" I asked jovially.

"The swelling went down but they can't find the other one." Dib gritted through his teeth.

I just looked at him and smiled. "The other what now?"

Ahahaha my god! The sheer amount of venom in his glare would be enough to kill me ten times over if he had been a snake.

"My grapes. My balls. My testicles. My baby apartments." His fists were clenched and he looked ready to slug me.

"Maybe you should write to Mysterious Mysteries about that one. I'm sure they'd run a show about a mysteriously disappearing testicle. Might make yah famous there uni-ball." That was enough to piss him off. He drew his fist back to punch me. It didn't happen though as a screaming green blur crashed right into him.

"YOU FILTHY HORRIBLE STINK PIG! YOU DARE TO TRY AND PLACE YOUR MEATY FISTS ON ZIM'S LOVE PIG?!?"

It was Zim? What the hell man?

I just hung my head low. My peaceful, happy day just went flying out the window.


	4. Burnt Meat Smells Nasty

**A/N: This is the first and only time I'm gonna say this: I DO NOT own Invader Zim. Only Eva is mine. **

Dib just started at the enraged Irken. Every since Zim had come to Earth, Dib had wanted nothing more than to battle face to face, to put an end to the evil alien menace once and for all. But now...embarrassment took over as he pulled what seemed to be a huge slab of meat off his face.

Zim's eyes narrowed as he saw Dib holding the piece of meat he had carefully selected for his Eva-human. "Release the meat or feel the wrath of ZIM!"

Never one to pass up an opportunity to snoop, Dib asked his routine question, "Why do you need it Zim? Is it part of some new evil alien plot?" He had managed to pull him self off the ground, only to have Zim pointing a clawed finger in his face.

"It's...a gift. Yes. A gift for Zim's love-pig." Zim looked out of the corner of his eye to see me staring at him.

Meat? Of all things he could have possibly thought of as a gift, why meat? He must have noticed my intense look as he whipped his head around to look at me. "Does the gift of meat please you?"

I opened my mouth to answer, but was interrupted when Dib threw the meat on Zim's face. To my horror Zim's faced started to blister and burn. My eye's widened as he began to flail his arms madly around, screaming in intense pain. The sickly sweet smell of burning flesh wafted into my nose. I fought the urge to vomit, as I ran over to help Zim.

"What the hell did you do to him?!" I was terrified at the sight before me as my heart was pounding a rapid tempo.

"See! he's an alien! I told you from the beginning, I was right all along!" Dib didn't even seem the least bit bothered as Zim's flesh melted before my very eyes. As a matter of fact, he just laughed and walked away. I tried my damnedest to rip the meat slab off of Zim's face, but it almost seemed as though it was melting right into his skin. I shrieked as Zim struggled violently to escape the smoldering pain. As I cleaned it off the best I could, I felt a sudden stinging sensation across my chest. I tried to brush it off as maybe a rash, but as time went on the pain slowly creeped in. I hesitantly touched a hand to my chest, it felt...sticky. I brought my hand up to take a look at it and what I saw made my heart skip a beat.

Blood. Bright red blood dripped down my hand. I looked down, positively horrified by what I might find. Apparently for good reason. Three slash marks cut across my chest. My mind reeled as I tried to not lose myself at that sight. But where had they come from? I looked about and to my horror I saw blood caking Zim's fingers. Some how he had sliced me open. I felt suddenly dizzy at the sight of the blood slowly staining my blue tank top. Zim had seemed to recover after I removed most of the meat and had jumped up, obviously looking for Dib so they could finish their little "battle".

I felt a sudden tickling sensation of something running down my throat. I coughed, trying to clear whatever it was from my throat. I held up my other hand and was strangely mesmerized at the sight of fresh blood. Was the slash mark even deeper than I had imagined? I laughed to myself at the sheer ludicrousness of the situation. Zim had heard me.

He turned and stared, wide-eyed at the sight before him. To stunned to move or even say anything it seemed.

I could only manage to squeak out a single word. "Why?" Before it all faded to black.

**(A/N: Some mall huh? Nice to know you can bleed out and not a single person would help yah.hehehe)**

* * *

"Computer give Zim the status reports of the human Eva."

"**Heart beat**: Slowed. **Pulse:** Slowed. **Breathing: **Slowed. **Blood loss: **Critical."

Zim clenched his fists. "Grrr...the Dib monkey will pay for interfering in my experiments. He even managed to hurt Zim's love-pig." His red eyes lingered on the nearly disemboweled girl. Sure he really hated her, but at the same time...well he didn't really know why he didn't just leave her there. Maybe it was just to repay her for sticking up for him. Or something else?

"Uhhh...you did that." The computer added, earning a rather nasty glare from Zim.

"Gah these humans and their stoopid emotions!" He pulled his antenna in frustration. She would have to be nice to him. It would have been much easier for the Irken if she positively hated him. "But nooo you just had to like Zim didn't you stink-beast?!" He was half tempted to just unplug the machine and let the filthy earth beast die. But as he reached for the plug, he remembered that she had pulled the beef off his burning flesh, even getting wounded in the process. His shoulders slumped and his hand fell to his side. "Eh...if she died how would he ever complete his mission to make a "home run"?

"COMPUTER! Begin the healing process of my human frie-female immediately." And with that command he was about to march away before he remembered one last thing. "Also, run a check on what this "home run" thing is."

"Processing..."the computer lazily responded. "Ummm...do you really want to know?" The computer was a bit unsure of telling his master this.

"Eh? Of course I do. Now tell Zim."

The computer gave a dramatic sigh. "How about I show you instead?" Explaining the complexities of this particular...well thing was not something even a computer would want to do. Especially if it's Zim you're explaining it to.

"Show me what?" Already his mind had wondered to other things, and for that the computer was infinitely thankful.

"Uhhh...this picture of a squirrel?" It flashed across the monitor.

"Yes yes that is indeed an amazing squirrel. But now Zim has more important things to look at." He turned and finally walked away.

Sometimes it was a good thing your master was absolutely insane.


	5. Panty Nabbed

Bad dreams was the theme of the night. I lay tossing and turning, as my thoughts were consumed by the darkness. Cold sweat drenched me as I awoke with a cry. All around the blackness devoured as a cold chill lay in the air.

I rubbed my eyes wearily, attempting to remove the sleep that still accosted me.

I was in...my bed? But...the last this I had remembered was going to the mall to rent a movie. That and getting cut up really bad by something. I yanked my top off to see if it was all true. I felt relief wash over me. No cuts, no scars, no nothing. Was it all just some demented dream of mine? Had I just dreamed that wonderfully sunny day and getting my hands on a Transponders movie?

As my eyes eventually became accustomed to the darkness, I saw laying on my nightstand, the very DVD I had rented. I was hesitant about picking it up, everything just felt almost surreal at the moment. Then I saw something that made my blood run cold. As I picked it up, I noticed something splashed across the cover.

Blood. Dried blood.

Horror crept over my features as I held it up close. The blood looked spattered, and I ran my hands over it. Most was dry, but a single space still held a sticky portion of it. I touched it with a morbid fascination. Almost hypnotized by the sight. I felt a slow dizziness descend on me as the room became a hellish spinning dervish. Nausea shot up in my stomach and I barely held back the urge to vomit. I fell off the bed and began a silent crawl across the floor to my bathroom. Another horrific realization hit me as my hand grasped something cold and wet. I lifted it up to my face, trying to determine just what it was in this darkness. I smelled the scent of copper faintly wafting up to my nose.

Damn the clouds for parting at that exact moment to reveal just what it was in my hand. My tank top, my favorite sky blue ones color was marred by the presence of red. My eyes grew wide as I saw three tears that lay diagonally across the chest. My hands shook and I dropped the fabric back upon the floor.

"You weren't supposed to wake up so soon." That voice...? Zim? What was going on here!?

"Z-zim?" My voice squeaked...it sounded broken...almost.

"The anesthesia wasn't supposed to wear off so soon. Now it seems, I'll have to wipe your mind of this entire episode." His voice seemed to speak from every where. I couldn't make out whether or not he was in front or behind. And it was precisely that which make my quake with fear.

I tried to reply, but my poor voice strained to properly speak.

I looked frantically around the room, he had to be near me!

After coughing and swallowing down some air, I finally managed to utter some words. "Where Zim?" Not my most glorious sentence, but at least it was something.

"Hehehe...ah love-pig...where is Zim not? It seems your pitiful human eyes cannot behold the glory that is Zim in this darkness!" Zim boosted from the shadows.

Again with the yelling? I think I was ready for the psych ward at this point. I felt my ire growing. This was so much bullshit! Why the hell was all this happening?! Maybe it was the anger that gave me the ability to speak, or just the simple fact that whatever he gave me had begun to quickly wear off.

"What the fuck Zim?! What the hell is going on here?" I was mad at this point now. It was bad enough seeing my blood clothes, bad enough that I was cut open by Zim, but now he thinks it amusing to play these games with me?

"You kiss your stink-beast mother with that mouth?" Zim said in a rather amused tone.

I was about to sound off again when I was suddenly hit by what looked to be a...robot?

"Whatcha doin?" It asked in a childish voice.

"Gir! I thought I told you to wait outside! Can't you see I'm busy?"Zim growled.

"But I was lonely! I missed yah masta!" That voice sounded mechanical, like...maybe a cheesy robot from those B rated monster movies I loved so much.

I finally asked in complete uncertainty "Where are you?" I regretted it almost instantly.

I felt hands grab my face and say, "I'M RIGHT HERE! IN FRONT OF YOU THE WHOLE TIME!" followed by insane sounding laughter.

"Gir release the stink-beast NOW! She's already seen enough!"

"Awwww...do I have to? She's squishy like mah piggy!" I felt my cheeks get pinched harder.

"OBEY ZIM! RELEASE THE MEAT BEAST!"

After my face was finally out of the hands of that deranged robot thing, I sat up and looked around the room. My eyes had finally become accustomed to the dark and I scanned my surroundings for Zim and his crazy...Gir-robot was it? Neither of them was on the floor...so that meant?

I looked up, "HOLY CRAP YOUR ON THE CEILING!" And so Zim was. He was hanging up there using what looked like metal spider legs.

"Ahhh...so the ignorant stink-beast has finally spotted Zim." He just gave me a self-satisfied smirk.

This was Zim? His eyes were...red. Realization hit hard. Dib had been right all along. Zim really was an alien. Green skin, red-bug eyes and antennae. I thought back to the way I had treated Dib and instantly felt bad. Sure what he had told me was completely explainable with science and modern medicine...I wonder how many times people had said the exact same thing. It was no wonder the poor guy didn't really have any friends. Everything he said sounded absolutely crazy...and yet here it was standing-or rather glaring down at me from my ceiling.

"Now then, I think it's time we got down to business. Heh." He eyeballed me with those huge red eyes and rubbed his hands together in anticipation. "You, Eva love pig, shall accompany Zim to the movies this Sunday. We shall eat popped corn and laugh at the _stuuupid_ humans on the screen. You are required to look presentable and laugh at all of Zim's jokes. After the movie is over with, your magical _love _adventure shall continue with you coming to Zim's bas-I mean _house_ so he can reach the amazing "third-base". And now he just stared, waiting for whatever response I may have.

"What?"Was really all I could say. So he tears me up, stitches me back together, sneaks into my house, anesthetizes me and gives me something to make me forget the whole thing? Which I might add failed miserably. I was in disbelief. "Your...asking me out?" This whole situation was incredulous.

"Yes. Does the mighty Zim's presence confuse your brain meats?" He had lowered himself to my level.

This whole thing was so stupid! I felt my attitude coming back to me full swing. Whether I wanted it to or not, Zim's audacity had turned on my sarcasm. I couldn't stop what came out of my mouth next. "Oh my god Zim! Your awesomeness has overwhelmed my tiny tiny brain. Just being in your mighty presence has rendered me weak!" So overly dramatic that entire sentence was, but hey, it was my right to be pissed at the entire situation.

"Hehe I knew it." Zim cockily replied. "No female can resist the sheer amazingness that is Zim." You know...for a second there Zim reminded me of those gorillas you see on the nature channels. The way the always puff themselves up and beat their chests over nothing. Yep Zim was indeed a stupid monkey, whether he knew it or not. I smirked at this.

"See! See the way you smile at Zim! VICTORY! VICTORY FOR ZIM!" He pointed and yelled. I gave a silent prayer of thanks. Never had I been so happy that my mother works the grave yard shift on weekends. "Zim must go now, but before he does, he has a mighty present for you!" He delicately pulled something out of a pack and shoved it into my face. It smelt...well burnt. Zim patiently waited for me to open it, or not so patiently because he screeched at me to hurry up.

I pulled off the yellow ribbon, and cautiously ripped off the blue wrapping paper. Inside was...ewwww! God it was the meat that he had been burned with. Sick! Some of his skin was still on it! UGH! The sheer nastiness of it all. I looked from the meat to Zim.

He took that as his cue "Does my fantastic gift of lovely love please you?"

"Uhhh...yes?" What else was I supposed to say? Zim had clawed my body open by accident, I wasn't to interested to see what those nails could do with intent. I already knew what was coming, and braced my poor ears for it.

"VICTORY! ANOTHER VICTORY FOR ZIM!" He threw his arms up in there air and pumped his fists.

You know the whole time I was talking to him, I didn't here a peep from that little robot thing of his.

"What are this things!?" I looked over, and to my horror I saw what absolutely no girl should see. Gir was digging through my underwear drawer. He currently had one of my bras on and was right in the middle of placing a pair of my underwear on his head.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING!?" Embarrassment, plain and simple. My face had turned a lovely shade of red in less than a heart beat and it got even redder when Zim went over to Gir. It was made even worse when he grabbed a pair of my underwear, looked at it, picked up a bra, grabbed Gir and ran out of my window yelling "TROPHY! TROPHY FOR ZIM!" I heard him laughing as he ran.

My mind went blank while I tried to process what just happened. I had just been panty nabbed by an alien and a robot. Panty nabbed of all things!

I thought Saturday's were supposed to be relaxing...how wrong I had been.

**

* * *

****A/N:hehehe "panty nabbed" hehehe.**


	6. Panty Sniffer

The rest of the night passed without a hitch and I fell into a deep, comfy sleep. My brain was already fried from the earlier events so sleep was a welcomed act. Farther into the dream world I fell, as the trials and tribulations lifted from my shoulders...only to be replaced with a bra and underwear donning alien. Ahhh a cross dressing Zim! I smiled while dreaming.

* * *

"Computer, I have managed a "panty raid" as the movie called "Animal House" suggested I should. Now tell me, what was the purpose of taking these as trophys? Tell ZIM!"

"According to the web, the raid symbolizes that you like a certain girl." The computered sighed.

Zim tapped his chin thoughtfully, "So Zim should raid...more of the panty things to show his _affections_ to this human girl?"

"Apparently, but you need to use a ladder next time to do it properly." The computer wondered why his master didn't catch on to the fact that he was screwing with him big time. But then again...it was Zim...

"But what is Zim supposed to do with the panties after he steals them?" He narrowed his eyes in confusion. "Surly I don't just hang them somewhere in the base, there must be a secret purpose to them, but what?" He held up with lacy purple pair of panties and held them close...and gave a sniff.

"D-did you just...sniff the panties?" The computer asked in disbelief.

"NO! I DID NOT! YOU LIE!" Zim's face turned a shade of emerald green.

"You did! You sniffed the panties!"The computer was laughing now.

"Keep saying that and I'll disconnect you!" Zim shook his fist angrily at the computer.

"Fine. I'll stop..."The computer said dejectedly, but before he went off to do his own thing on the internet he mumbled "panty sniffer..." to Zim.

After he was sure the computer was off and doing whatever computers do, he picked up the panties again and held them close...what was so bad about giving one a sniff? They were clean and smelled alot like flowers, probably the detergent brand Eva used. Well, if he wanted to sniff it then so be it! He held it close to his "nose" and inhaled deeply. Smelled like lilac! Yep that's what panty raids were for, of course! You stole these nice smelling things and used it as air freshner! He had decided that these particular panties would go stuffed under his shirt so he'd be smelling nice all day long!

"IT'S GENIUS!" Zim proclaimed proudly. That stupid computer had it all wrong, and he, the amazing brillant Zim, had outsmarted an Irken super computer! It was no wonder the Tallest had sent him on such a secret mission, for only Zim in all his brainy glory could understand and figure out the humans!

But now, that left another thing to figure out...what was this other thing used for? It had a nice smell to it as well, but was a different article of clothing altogether. There were two strange cup things attatched by fabric...what purpose did they serve? Surely Eva wore one, but for what purpose?

Zim held on to both straps of fabric and pulled the cup things back..."AH HA! It's a weapon...a primitive one but a weapon nonetheless. I think I saw somewhere that these things were called 'sling shots'. But those had only one cup...have I found a super rare double sling shot of doom? OF COURSE!"

Yes! How ingenious the human females were...they carried these weapons around constantly in case of attack. "I must alert the Armada!" And with that he scrambled to the communications room and called up the Tallest. It didn't take long for Tallest Red and Tallest Purple to appear on the screen, greedily devouring bag after bag of chips and dougnuts. The happy looks on their faces disappeared immedietly after seeing Zim on the monitor.

Red looked over to Purple stuffing his face still, it seems he was the one who had to deal with the little psycho himself today.

He placed a hand to his temple and asked "What is it now Zim?" In the most uninterested and frankly annoyed voice he could muster.

"My Tallest, please forgive the interruption, but I have discovered a defensive weapon from Earth." Zim exclaimed excitedly.

Red just sighed as he felt a rather nasty headache coming on, "And just what is that Zim?"

"It is an ingenious device that launches two objects at once, our scientists could possible reformat it for the Armada to use in conquest." He couldn't believe it! The Tallest asked him about it. More proof that he was indeed their favorite Invader.

Zim held the object up to show them, "This, my Tallest, is the deadly weapon of doom."

Purple's eyes widened as he recognized that particular thing. "Hey! Isn't that one of the things we saw on the Booby Network?" Red turned and hushed him.

"Booby Network? What is this Booby Network?" Zim was perplexed. Had his amazing discovery already been discovered?

Red thought fast, "Not Booby Network, he meant...uhhh...BoobyTrap Network. Yeah that's it!"

"AH HA! So you've seen something like this already? Have you seen one of this rare color before?" Zim asked as he held up the purple lacy thing. Perhaps he could still convince them that his find was the best.

Purple gave it a hard stare, "Not in that color. Nope."

"So my Tallest, does this find please you?" Zim was happy, he had found one in a color they had never seen before!

The Tallest just stared at Zim for a bit...how did he _not _know what one of those things were? Apparently Zim didn't have much experience in the Love department.

"Ahhh..sure Zim we're pleased, but we really have to go now...The Booby Net-I mean Booby_Trap_ Network is coming on now. Lots of new devices and fighting moves we need to look at. So uhhh...bye!" And with that they cut the transmission.

"The tallest were wise to chose me Gir, for who else would discover such a discovery?" Zim proudly marched away from the communications room. Gir still wore Eva's other bra, but for the panties he had swiped? Well, those were currently on his friend the pig and stashed away in his head for later use.

"Now then Gir, I must discover why Eva has such lethal weapons at her disposal and for what purpose." Zim glanced briefly at the clock, "Our _date_ starts tomorrow around six at night, that will leave me plenty of time to prepare."

* * *

I awoke with a start. That was some seriously bad mojo that I just felt. I yawned as I saw dawn slowly creeping over the horizon. Today I had to find Dib, and...well find out more about Zim. 


	7. The Nose Bleed

**A/N: _Finally_ got to writing a new chapter. Hope you like it!**

* * *

"...and then he just ran off with my bra and underwear!"

Dib just looked at me, shocked by the fact I had come to his house, but even more so over the fact that Zim was a panty thief.

"And why should I help you?"

I was exasperated. All I wanted was for someone to tell me that I wasn't just imagining it. "Ok look...I'm sorry alright Dib. We got off to a bad start and I'd like to apologize for any...low I.Q'd kids you might have in the future." I gave an unsure smile.

He just sighed and held out his hand. "Apology accepted." And so we shook hands to seal the deal.

"As we headed to the park to discuss what exactly was going on, Dib stopped me. "I know I can get irritating alot of times. It's no wonder I don't have any friends. For what it's worth, I didn't mean to make you so mad at me."

Can we say guilty? My god he had this heart breaking sad puppy look on his face. I'm sure from here on out, there's no way I could ever be mean to the guy again.

"Ok, how about this Dib...you can talk to me about all your theories and evidence as much as you want...but when I say stop, please just stop."

Dib smiled at me, "It's a deal then Eva."

As we approached the park, I could have sworn I saw an all to familiar black wig...but when I looked over again nothing was there except a squirrel. Maybe my mind was playing tricks on me...like it wants me to be aware that the green monster might be hiding somewhere. Watching...and waiting for the perfect opportunity to swipe my underwear again. I grimace at that thought. _Zim leaping out of the bushes and de-pantying me...yelling about his new trophy while I sit half naked in the park. _I sighed, I think cartoons may have melted some of my brain.

"So then Eva, tell me again in detail about what happened." Dib asked in a very scientific voice. I appreciated his desire for details, but I had a nagging suspicion he wanted to know more about my underwear. _Sick Eva. Very sick._

"Well like I said before, I woke up in my bed, dizzy and drowsy. Apparently Zim had brought me back to my house after healing me. He talked a bit...mostly stuff about me being his love-pig, and going on a date tonight." Dib's eyes grew wide again at that information. "Then the weird robot thing he called Gir, got into my underwear drawer, put my bra on, stuffed a few pairs of underwear in his head, then tried to put one on as a hat. Zim stopped him, but then went over to see what he was doing." Was Dib...enjoying my panty talk? Ewww he had to be. I've never seen a person this focused on a panty raid.

"Were the underwear any specific style? You know like lacy and see through..."I mentally slapped myself. Of course he'd want to know the minutest details...he's a nerdy guy for Christ sake! Me talking about it is the closest thing he's probably ever gotten to touching someones stuff besides a department store mannequin.

_Bad image there Eva. I doubt you really needed to think about Dibs...lack of sexuality and desperation._

I arched my eyebrows. "The style huh? And what part of this investigation would the style be detrimental to?"

_Ha caught!_

Dib's face went tomato red and he didn't immediately reply. "Uh...well...you see Eva..." And that's about as far as he got at the moment.

I gave a sigh of resignation. "Ok Dib, if you're really that curious, The bra and panties that Zim ran off with were light purple and lacy. The ones his robot took were bikini cut with different abstract art patterns on them. Oh and his robot also made off with my favorite black and red corset top bra. So then, would that be enough detailed information? Or do I have to get into whether or not they were thong or regular?" I looked over at Dib and saw...a nose bleed?! I thought that only happened in Animes!

"Uh...do you need a tissue or something?" Dib just nodded and I handed him one.

_Talk about awkward. Sheesh this poor guys never going to get a lady friend with that way of acting._

"T-thank you Eva." Dib mumbled to me.

"So seriously, why did Zim take my things?" My curiosity was a bit overwhelming. Since it's not every day a being from another world snatches you intimate apparel.

"Zim is just...weird. Maybe he thought that taking your stuff might make you like him. Or possibly he found out about voodoo and wants to use your stuff in a love spell or something."

I just stared in disbelief. "Are you kidding? Voodoo? Seriously?" Dib just nodded his head.

"Zim has a tendency to try just about anything to get what he wants. And if he found a website about it, then chances are he'll try it."

I just stared off into the trees, trying to process the sheer craziness of the situation. As I looked about I swear I just saw...black boots sticking out from that tree? I rubbed my eyes and looked again. They were gone. So maybe it was just my imagination.

* * *

_Voodoody huh? I must find out what this...voo doody is. Perhaps it is the key to winning this females affections. _

Zim sat amongst the trees thinking about all that was said. He still couldn't figure out exactly why the Dib monster had sprung a nose leak. And what the meaning behind the shapes, styles and even colors of the panty things were about. He had just assumed the 'slingshot' colors were used to distract the enemy before attacking, and the panty colors were just there to look pretty as they were used for air fresheners.

Speaking of which, he yanked the lacy purple pair out from under his shirt. They still smelled nice at least, but he was bothered a bit by the wrinkles that were now all over them. He stretched them a bit to try and straighten them up. Apparently a little to hard. As to Zim's horror, they went flying off his hands directly at Dib's head. He watched as The stink-beast Dib reached up and yanked _his_ air freshener off his smelly hair and held the object up for further inspection!

The Eva-human let out a yell as she recognized exactly what was hers.

_Peculiar.The Dib-beast has sprung another nose leak...perhaps there are more to those fresheners than I previously thought._

Zim watched as his love pig grabbed the object and stopped off, her face a strange red color.

_I must research these new findings...this voodoody may have the answers about making a human love me._

Zim climbed down the tree and approached Dib with his fists clenched. He wasn't entirely sure why he was so angry, but he was. "So stink meat, you dare to take Zim's love pig to the park? Perhaps you wanted a nice romantic walk to take her affections from Zim?!"

Dib just looked beyond confused. "I what? What are you even TALKING about?"

"YOU STAY AWAY FROM ZIM'S FEMALE! OR I'LL RIP YOUR...BABY APARTMENTS FROM YOU AND SHOVE THEM DOWN YOU THROAT!" And with that little outburst he shoved Dib to the ground and walked away.

Dib just couldn't believe it. Did Zim just threaten to do what he thought? Dib instinctively reached down to shield his crotch. No way was he letting that happen.

* * *

**Another A/N: Making Zim an unintentional pervert is fun :)**


	8. That Old Black Magic

**A/N: Author is laaaaazy...and was stuck in a blizzard with no internet connection for the entire weekend. That and my b/f wouldn't leave me alone long enough to type up a new chapter.**

Zim fumed as he walked back to his base. Why he was so very angry over Dib and Eva together at the park...well he didn't know really. But it pissed him off regardless. Eva was HIS female. She already knew that, so how dare she go out with another male!

Zim mumbled curse after curse as he took his Zimmy anger out on just about anything smaller than him. He kicked cans, ripped up flowers and sent a bird and her eggs to oblivion. Dib would pay for his attempt at usurping Zim's rightful place! Yessss he would suffer the doomy doom.

His antenna gave a slight twitch. Someone was coming. They twitched again. The person was walking down the opposite side of the block he had just traversed, hidden behind a cement wall. He knew whoever it was walking towards him, however, was familiar. Already in a foul mood he braced himself in the middle of the sidewalk, mentally hoping it was Dib or perhaps another stoopid human that went to his school. Then he could fully vent his frustration and anger on something that would scream. He braced himself and brought his fists up and swung as whoever it was just turned the corner.

His squeedily spooch froze as his fist came within millimeters of striking Eva. He stood there for sometime, looking horrified at what he had almost done and terrified at the ramifications this may have to his mission. Eva hadn't moved or said a word, but just stood there watching him in a stunned manner.

"Ahhh...hello there Eva...nice day to...practice...karate moves yes?" Zim mentally praised himself. Yes that was indeed a fine excuse!

"Karate moves? That didn't look like any karate that I'm familiar with."

"But it is! It's ummm called fisty cuffs!" Yes this was indeed a magnificent lie. So amazingly believable!

Eva just gave Zim a hard stare. "Fisty cuffs huh?" Asking in a rather uninterested voice.

"Ehehehe yes it is...new! SO very new. The smelly newness of it all overpowers you yes?"

Eva just rolled her eyes and then...did something so unexpected it actually managed to shut Zim up. She held out her newly retrieved panties to Zim. "So uhhh...you like these right?"

Zim just looked back at his lovely lilacy trophy and then back to Eva. His face took on an emerald tint as he stared at the ground and meekly said yes.

"Ummm...you want them?"

Zim eyes shot back up at Eva. Did his hearing deceive him? Did she actually offer to return the panties back to him? Zim was ecstatic at this point and he broke out into a toothy grin.

"So the mighty Zim's irresitablity makes you want to give such a prize? Ahahaha yes I knew it all along. You wish to shower Zim in these lovely lovies and this present is only the beginning!" Zim reached his hand out to take what was his as Eva narrowed her eyes and an opportunistic look came over her face.

"Five bucks." She stated.

Zim hand stopped midway in the air and a confused look came over his features. "Wait what?"

Eva merely cleared her throat and spoke again. "I said five bucks."

Zim had a blank not really understanding everything at the moment look. "What?" he asked again.

"Alright Zim, let me clarify how this is going to work. You want my panties right? And these particular panties themselves cost about 5 bucks a piece. You want them back, you refund me my cash."

Zim was slowly grasping the idea. "Soooo Zim pays you monies and you give him these panties?"

"Bingo."

"I don't see how a dog and a game have anything to do with this, but I understand the terms of this...arrangement. Zim shall pay Eva human for this valuable resource."

Zim reached into his pak and pulled out some money and counted out ten dollars. As he handed the money over to Eva he noticed the slightly confused look on her face.

"One five for this panty, and another for payment in advance." Before Eva could even respond, Zim snatched the panty up and and took off for his base.

_Payment in advance...? What have I just started?_

* * *

Zim cackled to himself as he made his triumphant return back to base. His ego was inflated enough as it is, but this new arrangement with Eva pushed it to heights he had never experienced before.

"Now then back to business." Zim said to no one in particular.

"Computer gather information on 'voodoody' immediately."

The computer sighed. Why couldn't his master just get laid and leave him alone for one day. "Processing you request."

Zim rubbed his hands together and cackled happily. Perhaps this voodoody would give him the edge he needed to succeed once and for all.

"Processing complete...and fyi it's called 'voodoo' not voodoody...freaking dumbass" The computer said in a monotonous and seriously bored tone.

"What did you just call me!?"

"Uhhh...I said...ummm...I gotta go run some scans or something...so yeah."

"Oh...you do that but first bring the information up on the screen."

Zim read the information to himself. And ever so slowly a look of pure confusion slid over his face. "A chicken? I need a chicken for voodoo?" He was in disbelief. What did a chicken have to do with anything?

"Eh...I have to dance around in a circle...holding a chicken...with these candle things lit?"

He scratched his chin thoughtfully at this. Dancing with chickens in a circle while sticks of flames burned around him wasn't exactly...so good.

Zim just shook his head and yelled into the intercom..."Gir! Bring me the chickens!"

He heard very faintly at first the sound of squealing...as it got progressively louder Zim braced for impact. Gir had a tendency to be chicken obsessed and now with his master actively wanting a chicken, and to dance with it no less, he was on the brink of a psychotic chicken episode.

"Chicken! I love you chicken!" Was Gir's...battle cry?

"Gir give the chicken to me now!"

The crazy robot just laughed insanely, screamed waffles, and started bawling his little robot heart out. He began sniffling..."But it's my chicken..I-I love her! Why must you always come between us?!"

His crazed sobbing was boring into Zim's head like those filthy brain worms. Zim sighed. Dealing with Gir was a fight all its own.

"I just need to borrow her for five minutes."

"NO! She's carrying my child! You can't have her!" And with that he screamed and ran, holding his sweetheart close to his chest.

Zim placed his hand against his head. Never again would he let Gir watch the Soap Opera power hour.

"Computer...get me a chicken...now." Zim was quite possibly at his breaking point. His head ached from Gir's screaming, his squeedily spooch still flip flopped whenever he thought of Eva and his desire to reach third base with her was eating him up.

For once it seems, the computer obeyed. Not making one snide remark or sighing out his boredom. It seems even the computer knew when to not push his master.

As fast as Zim requested it, a chicken shot out of a tube. He grabbed the squawking frightened bird and read off the list of other things he needed. "I need these other items for the voodoo to be complete. Three red candles, a red cloak, and a picture of Eva."

The computer silently obeyed. And it wasn't long before everything was set up for the ceremony.

The candles were lit, the cloak was on and the picture of Eva sat in between the three candles. Zim even dimmed the lights in the lower base so only the candles gave off light. Zim then grabbed the chicken by the neck and started to do his voodoo dance.

What he didn't count on though, as he swung the chicken around and shuffled his feet, that the Tallest would take that exact moment as the perfect time to call him.

Zim was so wrapped up in performing his task that he didn't notice two sets of eyes: one pair red and the other purple, staring in mute shock over what they were seeing.

Originally they had called to screw with him some more over the bra's and panties fiasco, just to make him feel stoopid and a loser in love. But now that plan lay forgotten, as neither uttered a word. For once in their life times, Purple and Red were speechless.

They quickly cut the transmission. Purple fearfully grabbed onto Red, "Hold me I'm scared."

Red though looked at Purple and gave him a nasty look. "Gay" He merely said and shoved off his clingy companion. It's not like he actually thought that, but seeing Zim's...well frightening and honestly crazy...whatever it was he was doing, unnerved Red. Both already knew of his insanity, but neither had counted on just how crazy he really was.

Zim, still blissfully unaware of the Tallest transmission finished up his little dance. The website he got the information from advised burning all artifacts used in the ceremony by fire and as he was throwing out the candles, the cloak, and even the chicken into the medical waste furnace, he was hesitant about throwing out the picture. The voodoo wouldn't really be hurt by him keeping the picture would it?

He considered burning it with the rest of the stuff for a minute or so before shoving the photo into his pak.


	9. The Beast with Two Backs

**A/N: OMG an update! Sorry for being MIA. I've been handraising a kitten that I found and she has a tendency to take up all of my free time. Now that she's hitting the two week mark, I'm able to leave her alone for longer periods of time. So because of that I was FINALLY able to finish this chapter. Enjoy...or not. S'all the same to me lol. **

I sighed to myself

How weird had my life become in the span of only a few days? It had been only Friday when I enrolled at my new Skool and already I've suffered worse than a drunken girl at a frat party. Panty snatching, aliens wanting to get into my pants, and a paranormal obsessed boy that wants to know what my underwear looked like.

Funny thing life is.

I still had at least 3 hours before I had to suffer through high pitched screaming, maniacal laughter, and the doomy doom of it all. I wasn't so sure about all this business with the movies, especially with the imminemt threat of "third base" hanging over my head.

And that got me to thinking. Did Zim have...anything...well...down there?

I blushed at the thought. And mentally slapped myself. Why would I even want to _know_ about the nether regions of my green, bug-eyed stalker?

_Sick Eva...really REALLY sick..._

And like just like that, my mind began to argue with myself.

_Awww...come on now Eva girl you know you wanna see..._

"NONONONON that's a bad brain!" I grabbed my head in my hands.

_"Come on...how often do you get to say you've seen an aliens naughty bits?" _The evil Eva said in my mind.

"Hopefully never. Although...NO!"

_"Ahahaha little Eva-human...does your desire for Zim confound your mind?"_

"Wait...did I...just call myself 'Eva human'?"

"_Uhhh...why yes. Yes you did."_

Realization dawned hard on me as I came to figure out just who was speaking in my mind.

"Oh...My god... Zim?" I was shocked I tell you! So very shocked and confused!

"_Ehhh...if I said no would you believe me?"_The now obviously Zim voice asked.

"Argh! Get out of my friggin head you little psycho!"

"_Never! Zim will never leave! Mwhahahaha!"_

"Why-or more importantly-how, are you doing this?" I knew he was a crazy little beasty but this seemed a little to much for me.

"_Poor poor pititful Eva...Zim merely does this to ensure you think about him in a...nicey nice manner. How he does it though...would be to much for your little brain meats to comprehend."_

"So you're in my head...trying to make me think about your...alien love bits?" I asked incredulously. I knew he was desperate, or rather determined, to make me like him but I never thought he'd go this far.

"_Does the thought please you so?" _

"Why would it please me?!" I yelled...becoming rather embarrassed as this conversation dragged painfully on.

"_Hrm. Well as Zim was walking home he ran into a female human on the corner. She said something about 'five dollars make me holler' or some other nonsense like that. I merely asked her what she was talking about and what the monies was for, and before it all went horribly __**HORRIBLY **__wrong...she told me about 'talking nasty'."_

"Talking sexy...did...a hooker try to hump you?!" I knew this city was a bit dirty...but a hooker actually trying to get Zim to have a _good time_...oh god! I thought I might die from laughing!

"_Silence beast! Zim shall not speak of such horribly things!"_His voice sounded higher pitched than normal. Almost like he was mortified at me even asking that question. Immediately I thought of something devious. That little tibit of info, would provide me some ammo for later.

"_Now as I was saying...the 'hooker' human as you so call her, told Zim that females like to 'talk nasty'. That it often leads to something called 'the beast with two backs'. Now my mission, my goal out of all this WAS just to get to third base. But now I am rather..curious. What is this beast with two backs and how do I make one with you?"_

My brain broke. Did he seriously just ask me what I thought he asked? Zim wanted to...have SEX?! That's why he was talking about third base? My god I had thought the green pest was just being annoying!

"Okay Zim...there is no way, now or never, that would even consider doing that with you!"

The voice in my head grew silent for a bit.

"_Oh my dear sweet Eva...When you see Zim love powers, you shall be weak to resist! That and the voo-doo said you'd be mine."_ Zim finally said confidently.

"Wait...voo-doo? Did I hear you correctly? You used voo-doo on me?" I felt like I was floating. All this information was hitting me rather hard.

"_Ahem. Zim said no such thing. You're just hearing things because you're so very in love with me."_

"Crazy. You are freaking crazy. You know that? I...think I need to go home and take a nap..."

"_Very well Eva. Rest up for our date of lovey love. Zim shall make sure you have...pleasant dreams."_

And with that, the weird and seriously un-needed conversation was over with. I finally understood his rantings about third base (though I wish I hadn't), and now apparently, he had ways to sneak into my mind and plant rather...sickening thoughts. I had only a few hours left before the whole dating fiasco was to start. I needed help. And the only person I felt could help me, was the underwear pervert himself: Dib.I'm sure that after I tell him about the beast with two backs comment, he'd need a truckload of tissues.


	10. Zim Encounters the Curse

**A/N: After an eternity and a half, I finally update this story. I blame work. And my horrendous writers block. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter. I know I enjoyed writing it! **

I groaned inwardly as the hour of the date was finally here.

Soon Zim would be at my door to take me on the supposed "grand love adventure". Please. He'd at least put me off love and dating until I was forty. Kinda entertaining how a little green alien could wreck your love life in the span of a weekend. Life is funny like that I suppose. Annoying little surprises popping out when you least expect them to.

My stomach cramped up ever so slightly. Causing my eyes to widen in that silent mute horror of what I knew was coming. I had to wonder to myself, would Zim be dressed up? Or would he just be Zim? Wearing that all to familiar long sleeved striped shirt, black gloves, boots, and pants?

Hey maybe I'd get lucky and he'd actually wear a wing from this decade. Elvis hair on works on Elvis impersonators up in Vegas. Although maybe when he was arriving his little robot minion GIR was watching one od Elvis' numerous movies. Funny to think about actually. The three and a half or maybe even four foot Zim mimicking the King? The sheer travesty of it all!

Another cramp in my stomach.

Has time really passed this fast, that this horrid experience was really here?

I closed my eyes in irritation.

_Remind me to punch God when I die for making time so damn slippery. I'm sure Hell can't be nearly as bad as they say it is. And it'd be worth it to be the only one to nail that omniscient butt hole in the white robe._

_Yeah I'd be so damn popular down in Hell. They'd be all like "you Eva! I heard to sucker punched God!"_

_And I'd be all "Hell's yeah I punched him! He got all up in my grill and stuff and started questioning me about calling him an omniscient butt hole!. So I say's to him back off holmes or we gonna throw down."_

_And they'd be all "GASP! And then what happened?"_

_And then I'd say "Yo God...what's that over there! And when he turned his head to look I said you just got pwned bi-atch and pimp slapped him all on the upside of his head. Yo you don't be messin with the Eva girl, got that homeslice?!"_

_...yeah I'd be like the most popular girl down in Hell. _

You know you're insane when you just started gangsta talking about god...I shook that funny, yet seriously messed up imagery from my head.

The last thing I needed to think of was looking like Flava Flav down in hell. Could you just imagine? I have really lost it.

Finally after numerous hilarious, yet disturbing thoughts garaunteed to end up with me being in the loony bin later, the door bell rang.

By then the cramping in my stomach had gotten progressively worse. I associated that with the upcoming stress of the evening. Taking a deep breath I walked towards the door and turned the knob.

And much to my surprise Zim didn't look all that bad. He was wearing a completely different outfit. Sure it was identicle to the one he usually wore but he opted for a blue uniform and a...tie? Oh my god...totally wtf moment there.

And then the smell hit me. My eyes began to water as the scent of Ax body spray attacked my poor nasal passages with a vengence. The burning sensation was bad enough. Or so I though.

Zim gave me a very serious look. "You did not pop a button at the smell of Zim's awesome manly smelly smell."

I looked dumbfounded. "What?...Pop a button?"

Another serious look from Zim. "The ad on the T.V. showed that when the human girls mother smelled her childs boyfriends mateyness she popped a button on her shirt out of joy. And why do you not make the happy moans of delight upon sniffing me?"

"...I guess I'm just an Oldspice kinda girl."

"Zim is no sailor! I, with all my manly awesomeness, want to be associated with Seamen. Not sailors"

"Why wouldn't you like sailors?" Somehow I knew this was going to be funny.

"Because, you stupid human, the gay human said that he likes submarines because they are long, hard and full of Seamen. He said it in a 'dreamy' as you humans put it, voice. So it naturally occurred to Zim that Seamen are manly. The gay human said Zim should love Seamen like him. I obviously don't love them, but they're fun to play around with. So yes. Zim likes Seamen. Not sailors"

My jaw had dropped at this. "Gay human? And where did you met this gay human?"

Zim shrugged his shoulders. "I went out to research the mating habits of human males and ended up in a place called 'The Brig'. I wasn't aware that human mating occurred with the use of stroby lights, techno music and tight leather pants. Do you want to see Zim's tight leather pants?"

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY!?"

Zim just stared at me. My pants. They are tight, black and leather. Does it not make you wish to...Uhhh...spank me?"

"Let's not and say we did. Okay Zim?" This was insanity. Pure unfiltered hilarious insanity.

"Ahhhh yes. Zim almost forgot. Human females require a date before foreplay right?"

"And you know this how?" I curiously asked.

"The gay human explained quite a few things to me. And gave me these."

Zim held out his hand. I took a closer look and there on his palm sat a small red pill.

"Would Eva like the roofy now or later?"

"Ummm...how about later huh? I'm sure by then I'll need it."

_Zim had a friggin roofy? What the hell was I getting myself into?_

Zim cleared his throat and held out his hand. "So shall we leave for our date, our do you always stand with that blank expression and your jaw slightly dropped?" I stared at his black gloved hand. Was I really going to take it and go out on a date with him?

_Yes you will._

_I will?_

_Yes. _

_Wait...Zim?_

_Noooooo...this is your...uh subconscious speaking. You should do it. Yeah. Definitely do it._

_Get out of my head will you?!_

_Nope. I like it in here. Nice and roomy._

_I said ge-wait-did you just call me empty headed._

_If I said yes would you hit me?_

_There's a strong possibility of that._

_Then no. I didn't call you empty headed._

_Fine. We go on the date then._

_Excellent! You will love Zim's lovely dateyness._

_Yeah, up until you pull out the date rape drugs again._

_What?_

_Never mind._

"Okay. Seriously Zim. If I'm going to do this date thing with you then stay out of my head. Alright?"

Zim gave a fake sigh. "If you insist. My impressive knowledge was far to superior to be in you stink pig head anyways."

"So tell me Zim, how's it feel to be a total asshole?"

Zim gave me a confused look and screeched, "Zim looks nothing like the stinky button of a donkey!"

I grasped my stomach slightly. There was that cramping again. Nerves must be getting to me and all.

"So you will take Zim's hand and go on our date?" He asked again and held out his hand.

Defeated, I merely groaned and agreed.

"AH HAH! So you do make the moany sounds of joy! Zim merely had to touch you!" He exclaimed proudly. At this point I didn't really give a damn about trying to deflate his ego. Let him think he's so damn attractive if it makes this date go faster.

After a humiliating walk, and about fifteen minutes of him screeching at any passing man that I was his love pig and no one but him was getting to third base with me but him, I was grateful to walk into that building. I hadn't even noticed where we had gone until a very posh waiter offered me a seat.

"Good evening madame, my name is Jean and I shall be your waiter for the evening." Jean spoke in a hoity toity french accent. Finally I took in my bearings and noticed to my horror (and impressed surprise) that we were in one of the fanciest and most expensive restaurants in town.

"Do you like it?" Zim actually spoke in an almost...well normal voice.

I wasn't going to lie. I was indeed impressed by this. "Yeah Zim you got me, even I'm not capable of making a snarky comment over this one. Congrats. I'm at a loss for words."

He nodded his head. And sat at his seat.

The cramps started getting progressively worse and I became aware of a not to pleasant sensation in my pants.

"You know I've waited...quite a bit to get you here Eva. And I think I should tell you that I-WHAT IS THAT!?" He pointed a shaking finger towards my groin area.

I was horrified to look down at this point as more than a few people stared at us.

Gathering my resolve, I steeled myself for what I finally knew was going on. Looking down I saw a bright red stain creeping into the chair.

I had started my period. All over my pants. And all over the chair. And apparently Zim had found it necessary to inform everyone about what was going on.

"Yo-you're wounded! Who has done this to you?!" His eyes were bulging and my face was turning redder than the stain in my pants.

"Zim...will you shut up" I hissed quietly under my breath.

"Do you need a...a band aid or something?"

"I really don't think a band aid would be much help, Zim"

"Then Zim must take you to the hospitle. RIGHT NOW! YOU NEED A DOCTOR! OR STITCHES EVEN!" He had started hyperventilating.

"Zim seriously-SHUT UP!"

"CALL AN AMBULANCE! MY EVA IS DYING!" He was screaming at the top of his lungs now.

I just sat there as a crowd gathered to see if I was all right. Jean had pushed his way through the crowd to give me a closer inspection. I whispered what had happened and to please make everyone leave me alone. He just smiled knowingly and patted my arm. That apparently did not go over well with Zim. For in that moment he leapt on his spider legs and pulled me away. He ran positively screeching like an insane person and carried me off through the night, down into his house.

As much as I dislike that little robot I have to say, at this moment in time he was a life saver. He saw my stained pants and yelled 'Kotex fits. Period!'

Zim just gave GIR a look. "What fits?"

"Hehehehe Kotex fits!"

"And why does Eva need one of these...Kotex things?" He had walked closer to GIR curiosity all over his face.

"She got her period! I saw it on the after school specials. All girls get a period! She needs a Kotex. Really badly."

Zim seemed a bit shocked that his malfunctioned SIR unit knew what was happening and how to remedy it. "And where do I get these 'Kotex" things?"

"I got 'em right here!" His head popped opened and out popped a friggin Kotex pad. The possible reasons why he had those stashed up in his head made me shudder.

Zim grabbed it from his hand and inspected it carefully. Seeing that it resembled an itty bitty diaper in some ways he just handed it to me. "Will this stop the flow of blood from Eva's...period?"

Before I could say anything in reply, GIR did it for me. "It's not called a period, it's called a vajayjay! She gets the period from the vajayjay!"

I think I turned a shade of red never before see on this planet. Or possible from any other for that matter.

"Really? Tell Zim about this vajayjay." He inquired to GIR.

"I heard on the t.v. that it's half of third base!" Zim's eyes widened at this new discovery.

"You mean to tell me she has a part of third base on her persons? And where is the other half to it?" He stared at me with wide wonderous eyes.

"You gots the other half of it master!"

Zim gasped. "I DO?! Where!"

GIR laughed. "It's in you pants!"

You know. I'm convinced that damn robot is a helluva lot smarter, and ten times more evil than Zim could ever be.

"It's in...my pants?" Confusion was evident on his face.

"God, if you're there, I'm really sorry about the crack I made about pimp smacking you. It was just a joke you know, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." I prayed a bit to myself.


End file.
